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Title: Rebuff
Author: heartofslash
Fandom/Pairing: Star Wars, Obi-Wan/Anakin (not), and some other real stuff.
Rating: rated F for FUN. but really, I guess, PG-13
Warning: Dangerously shifting reality. Trust me, you’ll like it.
Disclaimer: I’m not saying this happened. I’m just saying it would be funny if it happened. Warning: Not really FPS, not really RPS
Rebuff
“Master, why do you rebuff my advances.”
“Rebuff? I do not rebuff you, Padawan.”
“You just did.”
“That was not an advance, Anakin. That was inappropriate touching.”
“Inappropriate touching is the most direct method of advance.”
“Ah, so what is the lesson you can learn from this?”
“That I should try a less direct method of advance?”
“Anakin! We have had this discussion before. A Jedi cannot form emotional attachments.”
“But there’s nothing forbidding physical attachments, is there?”
“And how many beings can have physical attachment without any emotional attachments?”
“Lots. Animals do it all the time.”
“We are not animals. We are Jedi. If you cannot conduct yourself with the proper decorum…”
“Who says Jedi can’t have sex?”
“Master Yoda, for one.”
“He just says that because no one would want to have sex with him.”
“Anakin!”
“It’s true and you know it!”
“There is no emotion; there is peace.”
“Stop!”
“There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.”
“I am so tired of hearing this!”
“There is no passion…”
“But there is! So why can’t Jedi have sex?”
“Because I bloody well asked George if Obi-Wan was a virgin and he all but told me yes, and since I happen to believe Obi-Wan’s dedication to the Jedi Order would preclude any sexual relations, that’s why! So stop pestering me, Hayden. These little role playing exercises are getting on my nerves.”
“You were the one who decided model our friendship on The Master/Padawan relationship, Ewan. These are your restrictions, not mine. And I’m getting a little tired of them.”
“Because you’re horny. That’s so mature.”
“Because you’re Ewan fucking McGregor, and who wouldn’t get horny, calling you ‘Master’ all day long?”
“Hayden, not only will you not be getting any from me because you are playing my Padawan, you will not be getting any from me because we are working together.”
“Oh, is that part of the Jedi Code? 'There are no on-set romances; there is only frustration?'”
“See? You just called it a ‘romance’. You’re not interested in pure sex. You want a relationship. And kindly take your hand off my ass.”
“What’s wrong? Jedi Masters don’t like having their asses fondled by appreciative Padawans?”
“No. I don't mind at all. But Sam will kill you if he ever sees you with your hand on my ass.”
“Sam! I thought you said ‘no on-set romances’.”
“It’s not a romance; it’s a proprietary arrangement. And he’s a very possessive Jedi Master. Hand. Off. The. Ass.”
“Fuck!”
“You’ll have to talk to Sam if you want to make arrangements for that.”
“You mean there’s a chance?”
“Not a chance in hell. I just want to see the look on his face when you mention getting any part of your anatomy near my ass ever again.”
“You’re a cruel man, Ewan. You should be playing a Sith.”
“Oh, no. I played with a Sith when we were filming the first episode. It was enjoyable but there were drawbacks. I ended up with red and black make-up in the oddest places…”
End
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