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I was just perusing the Jedi Masters and Apprentices Fiction Archive. Well, actually that’s a lie. I wasn’t just browsing the site, since my entire life has been overtaken by catastrophic renovations, so I haven’t been doing much reading lately at allbut over the last, oh I don’t know, we’ll call it the last while, I’ve perused the Jedi Masters and Apprentices Fiction Archives a fair bit and couldn’t help noticing the large amount of “I don’t want to die a virgin” stories, written in response to a challenge at a time when I was not in the fandom. *pouts* After periodically cursing myself for not being in the fandom from the start cut for feeble excuse I decided that it’s never too late for another I-don’t-want-to-die-a-virgin fic.
Title: The Obligatory Virgin Fic
Author: heartofslash
Fandom/Pairing: Star Wars, Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker
Rating: Oh, let’s call it R.
Warning: Dialogue only. And comedy.
Dedication: For the lovely and wonderful salixbabylon, who sent me a huge package chock full of goodies and this is the best way I can thank her, for now.
Summary: Obi-Wan doesn’t want to die a virgin. And stuff.
“I don’t want to die a virgin.”
“You’re not going to die, Master.”
“And how would you know that?”
“Because I plan to save you.”
“Oh.”
“Again.”
“Thank you.”
“Besides, you’re not a virgin either, Master.”
“And how would you know that?”
“Let’s call it intuition.”
“I see. Well, your intuition sucks.”
“Then my intuition and your mouth have a lot in common.”
“Anakin! Is that the proper way to show respect?”
“Sorry, my Master.”
“And must you say that so facetiously, Padawan?”
“Say what?”
“ ‘My Master’.”
“Oh. Like I say ‘my Master’ any more facetiously than you say ‘my young Padawan learner’. Master.”
“Now you’re just trying to irritate me, Padawan.”
“Sorry, my Master.”
“Never mind. Please bring what little light we have over here so I can pick this lock.”
“Experienced lock pickers can do it in the dark, Master.”
“Well, I’m not experienced, am I? Isn’t that how this whole conversation got started?”
“I thought it got started with you overreacting to the amount of danger we’re in.”
“I am not overreacting.”
“Your voice just squeaked.”
“That’s a stress-related phenomenon, and it has nothing to do with danger. It has to do with how disrespectful you happen to be at any given moment.”
“I’m not being disrespectful. I’m merely pointing out that there are at least three standard hours until dawn, which should be plenty of time for us to escape this cell. And even if we don’t escape, I don’t think one little rancor should cause us too much trouble, Master. After all, we are Jedi knights.”
“You had to bring up the rancor, didn’t you, Padawan?”
“That is the way the Hutt plans to kill us.”
“I didn’t need reminding.”
“Do you have some kind of rancorphobia or something, Master? Because if you do, maybe I should pick the lock. Your hands seem a bit shaky.”
“I am not rancorphobic, and if you would hold the light steady maybe I could get us out of here!”
“Geez. Sorry. I’m dangling upside down on a rope and the light isn’t perfectly steady. Must be the inherent tenseness in the situation.”
“Spare me your sarcasm, my young Padawan, and try to get in touch with your inherent Jedi serenity.”
“I’ll try Master. But I’m not the one who thinks we’re going to die.”
“I never said I thought we were going to die!”
“You implied it.”
“On the contrary. You inferred it. I was merely stating a fact.”
“That you don’t want to die a virgin.”
“Right.”
“And how many times did you try that line on Qui-Gon Jinn?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Probably every time there was even a remote chance of personal injury.”
“And how many times did he fuck your ass?”
[unintelligible]
“I beg your pardon, Master?”
“You heard me, Padawan. None.”
“Never?”
“Not once.”
“Did he give a reason?”
“He claimed to be straight.”
“Bummer.”
“Actually, not.”
“I mean, tough break.”
“Don’t I know it! He said that if we were ever in a situation in which our survival was truly in doubt, he would be happy to overcome his sexual preference for me, but it never happened.”
“What about on Naboo?”
“What about Naboo?”
“Your lives were in serious danger. I mean, he died.”
“Oh, yes, and I’m sure the Sith assassin would have been only too happy to call a time out so Qui-Gon could give it to me up the ass.”
“Good point.”
“Hence, the virginity.”
“Master, please, you’re not going to keep up that pretense, are you? Talk about disrespectful. It’s bad enough you don’t trust in my abilities to save your ass for the sixth time, but now you’re treating me like I’m stupid.”
“I’m doing no such thing!”
“I know you haven’t been as busy lately, what with the wars going on and all, but even when I was a junior Padawan I knew enough not to go near your rooms when the moaning was going on.”
“You heard me?”
“You, Bail Organa, Mace Windu and everyone else you ever invited back to your quarters for a little hanky panky.”
“Hanky panky, yes. But losing my virginity? Never!”
“WHAT??”
“Haven’t you ever heard of oral sex, Padawan?”
“Of course I have. You just got mad at me for making a joke about it. Wait a minute, are you saying you blew them all?”
“Every last one of them.”
“And you really are a… virgin?”
“Must you sound so amused?”
“I’ll try not to, Master. It’s just that I never dreamed.”
“Well, there it is. And this lock is jammed shut. There’s no way to pick it. And the bars at the top are welded; they’re not going to budge. We should go back to the ground level to continue this discussion... As you said earlier, we have a couple of hours until dawn and our execution, at which time we’ll try our luck against the rancor. Any brilliant ideas about how to wile away the hours, Padawan?”
“I guess I could… help you with your problem.”
“Really?”
“Death is looking more imminent.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means I could, you know, overcome my sexual preference for you.”
“You mean…”
“Master, why do you sound so shocked?”
“You’re… you mean you’re straight?”
“Yes, Master.”
“As in “only attracted to the opposite sex” straight?”
“Is there any other kind?”
“But… but…”
“But what, Master?”
“Nothing, Padawan. Misinterpretation. Matter of a false impression. It’s just that you’re so… so… so very gay.”
“Excuse me?”
“Everyone thinks it. Just look at yourself. The hair, the eye liner, the all-black ensembles, the leather fetish.”
“I happen to be very metro.”
“You happen to be very flaming.”
“I like girls, Master.”
“So, pretend I’m a girl.”
“I like a particular girl.”
“So pretend I’m Padme.”
“You know about Padme?”
“Duh, Padawan.”
“But you just said you thought I was gay.”
“Yes. We all think you’re gay. And those of us who know about Padme assumed she was an exceptionally obvious beard.”
“You thought the former queen of Naboo and a respected member of the Senate would give up her social life to make a Jedi seem more straight?”
“Naturally, we assumed she was doing it for the benefit of her own reputation as well. After all, she does spend an awful lot of time with her handmaids…”
“That’s ridiculous! She would never cheat on me!”
“Yet not moments ago you offered to take my virginity.”
“That’s different; we might die.”
“As I recall, a wise Padawan once said ‘I don’t think one little rancor should cause us too much trouble, Master. After all, we are Jedi knights.’”
“Then why should I take your virginity?”
“Because you’ll enjoy it. I promise.”
“How would you know that? You’re a virgin!”
“All the more reason to go ahead with the plan. Go on, then. Pretend I’m Padme.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Padme’s short.”
“I’m shorter than you.”
“And she’s tiny.”
“I’m smaller than you.”
“Not that much smaller, Master. Your petite days are far behind you. No offence intended, but you’re… you’re kind of buff. Master.”
“No offence taken, I assure you.”
“And Padme’s not this hairy.”
“Or, really? How hairy is she?”
“That’s none of your business?”
“Must be pretty hairy.”
“Not at all!”
“Ignore the hair, Padawan.”
“I kind of like the hair. Especially here. On your chest.”
“Are you sure you’re straight?”
“Lovely nipples…”
“Padawan!”
“Oh, my. What a beautiful cock you have!”
“Um, Anakin…”
“Just let me…”
“What are you doing?”
“What does it look like I’m doing, Master? Mmmm…”
“Oh. My. Gods. Oooooooh, oh oh oh oh, Anakin!”
[muffled]
“What in the hells? No straight man suck cock like that!”
“Mmmf? Well, Master, as you pointed out, I do have a leather fetish. One can hardly buy a wardrobe like mine on a Jedi Padawan’s stipend. How did you think I could afford all this?”
“You’re joking.”
“It was only until the Senior Padawan pay scale kicked in.”
“But you’re straight!”
“It’s not gay if you do it for money.”
“It is so!”
“And it was just for one summer.”
“What do you think this is, Brokeback Mountain?”
“Don’t be such a prude.”
“I’m not a prude. I can blow with the best of them… oh… aaaaaaah…. Maybe I can’t do quite that…. Anakin, oh, yes, yes, so good. Oh, gods, the tongue thing, yes! Again. Oh! Oh! Yesssssss!”
[gurgle]
“Aaaaaahhhhhhh.”
“Mmmmmmmmmm.”
“Oh, my.”
“Um, Master.”
“Yes, Padawan?”
“Uh, I came in my pants while I was blowing you.”
“Oh, no! How will I lose my virginity now?”
“Don’t get your knickers in a twist, Master. I’m still young.”
“And we’re running out of time.”
“Oh, great. I just gave you the best blow job of your life, and you’re complaining.”
“Who says it was the best?”
“Maybe the fact that I can cancel that appointment with the healers to get my tonsils removed next week.”
“Okay. It was good. Really good. Happy?”
“That’s more like it.”
“Soooooo. Ready yet?”
“What? I’m still young, Master, but I’m not fifteen.”
“Good. It would be immoral to have sex with my fifteen year old padawan.”
“Maybe we should concentrate on getting out of here.”
“But then you won’t fuck me.”
“I will. Help me get us out of here, and I’ll fuck your ass.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.”
“Okay. There’s a ventilation shaft just below that bulkhead. All I need is a boost up to the grating, and we’re out of here.”
“You’re joking.”
“I never joke in life or death situations. Now let’s climb out of here. Unless you’d rather try your luck against a hungry rancor.”
“You lied to me.”
“I didn’t lie. I misrepresented.”
“So you could have an orgasm.”
“The orgasm wasn’t my idea. You’re the one who dropped to his knees like a ten-credit whore.”
“Twenty-credits! Give me some respect, Master.”
“Well I’m not paying for that.”
“Consider it a freebie, Master. Put your foot in my hands and I’ll boost you up. Can you get the cover off the shaft?”
“The shaft is uncovered.”
“And you forgot to do up your fly.”
“Padawan, if the trip home is going to be an endless stream of bad sex puns, I think I’ll take my chances with the rancor.”
“Sorry, Master. I’ll be quiet as a mouse. I’ll just follow you into this ventilation shaft and we’ll crawl to safety and….”
“And what, Padawan?”
“If you don’t mind me saying so, Master, you have a really nice ass. I can’t imagine why Qui-Gon wouldn’t want to fuck it.”
“He was straight. Like you’re supposed to be.”
“Maybe I’m flexible.”
“That’s good to know. Because I couldn’t help noticing, while you were dangling from that rope, that you’ve got a very nice ass as well. In fact, I wouldn’t mind having a go at it.”
“Really? I’d be delighted, Master.”
“Oh, dear.”
“What? Oh, don’t tell me you don’t top.”
“No, that’s not it.”
“What then?”
“This ventilation shaft leads directly to the rancor’s lair.”
“You’re joking.”
“Would I joke about such a thing?”
“Well, damn it, let me at him. I’m sick of all this waiting around. I want to fuck your ass.”
“That’s the spirit!”
“And then you can fuck my ass.”
“Excellent plan, Padawan.”
“And then I’m going to tell Padme that she’s too damn short and hairless and I need cock.”
“I think you’re maybe getting a bit ahead of yourself.”
“And we’ll go before the council and ask them to give us permission for a soul bond.”
“Let’s not get carried away.”
“Quiet, Obi-Wan. I’m slaying a rancor; I need to focus.”
“Yes, dear.”
And thus began a new phase in the Master/Padawan relationship.
Back to: Star Wars
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