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Title: Beowulf and Gollum
Author: heartofslash
Fandom: Beowulf, Lord of the Rings, a little bit o' Star Wars for seasoning.
Pairing: What? You want Beowulf/Gollum? Ooh, ick!
Rating: Bad language. Is that PG-13? I don't know. Unfamiliar territory for me.
Warning: Silliness
Disclaimer: Tolkien got some of his stuff from Beowulf. I definitely got this from Beowulf and Grendel and LotR. Hey - fair use for satire and parody.
Note: Beowulf and Grendel is the movie that proves that Gerard Butler belongs in matted locks and manly facial hair.
Note to Sarah Polley: Beowulf and Grendel is also the movie that proves that Canadian accents do not belong in ancient myths. You did not sound like someone who lives a brutal and sometimes tragic life in a beautiful yet harsh and forbidding landscape. You sounded like someone who lives on Queen West, or at least parties there. Like you live in downtown Toronto and consider hardship to be waiting for the light to change. Like your idea of nature is taking the subway to High Park to see some Shakespeare performed outdoors. Like there are only two seasons - indoor and patio. Get a fucking dialogue coach, woman. [End of Sarah Polley accent rant.]
Beowulf and Gollum
And from the sea came a hero, and he was the mighty Beowulf the Geat – slayer of foes, fighter of evil and possessor of much manly facial hair. And who would have been known far and wide as Beowulf the Great, but for a transcription error. Such is the danger of monks working by feeble candlelight.
And Beowulf came to aid the besieged kingdom of Rothgar, whom he loved, and respected in the morning. (And who looks much better in braids than he does in starfish.)
Mighty Beowulf eased the troubled hearts of the people by pledging the support of his men, twelve of the bravest, toughest, most lusty men of Geat, and by vowing to defeat the enemy of the Danes and kick much ass in a righteous fashion.
The court retired in time, and the locals were passed out from all the toasts they’d made to the Geats, Beowulf, Beowulf’s men, and Rothgar’s great hall.
In the pitch dark of night, after even the night scavengers had quieted, there came a noise through the barred doors. It was the sound of the beast, breathing heavily. And then they heard the sound that drives terror in the hearts of the doughtiest of warriors.
“Gollum. Gollum.”
Beowulf threw down his sword in disgust. “You lazy-assed, chicken-shit asshole Danes. I left my home and sailed through treacherous seas, deadly fjords and eel-infested waters, risking the lives of my very best warriors and fuckbuddies for this?”
“What?!?” Rothgar bellowed.
“I thought you were in danger. Dire straits. Up shit creek without a paddle.”
“But we are! Without a paddle, even!”
“No, you’re no, you daft git. That’s fucking Gollum out there,” Beowulf guffawed. “I know him.”
“He’s a terrible monster,” Rothgar insisted. “He’ll attack in the night and rend you limb from limb… or so I’ve heard.”
“He’s a pathetic little twit and he’s liable to make you gag from the stench of him before he causes any real harm. His most powerful weapon is bad syntax. Granted, that made Yoda the most powerful Jedi who ever lived, but the worst Gollum will do is bore you to death with riddles.”
Rothgar considered this vital new intel with all the depth and objectivity it deserved. “Doesn’t sound so bad,” he admitted.
“If he gets really really narked, he might bite off your finger.”
Rothgar reconsidered. “But I like my fingers; they hold my beer mug.”
So mighty Beowulf’s men packed up their armour and weaponry and personal devices and left the Great Hall of Rothgar, yelling advice over their shoulders.
“Get some children to throw rocks at him,” one shouted.
“Give him something shiny to play with,” another suggested.
“Lure him from his place of hiding with raw fish, and then tie him up with Elven rope.”
Which might have been good advice if Elven rope had been invented yet.
And Beowulf got in his boat and he had a thought. “Wait a minute – if Gollum is terrorizing Rothgar’s hall, then where the hell is Grendel?”
Meanwhile, somewhere in the Misty Mountains, Bilbo Baggins the Hobbit finds a gold ring.
And Grendel eats him.
The End.
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